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MUST READ ► My Horrific Experience With A Psychopath

May 5, 2012


Two black teens stormed into a Dunkin' Donuts this week, guns drawn, and demanded cash. 

They got the cash and, minutes later, got caught. Obviously they did something wrong.

Here's my advice to would-be robbers.

• Don't do it. 

The fact that you are entertaining the notion of an armed robbery indicates you have a low intellect. You simply don't have the smarts to pull it off. 

• Say, "cheese!"

Most retail establishments are equipped with closed circuit video. You're not only being stupid by robbing the store; your stupidity is being recorded for posterity. In the year 3012 -- a thousand years from today -- your idiocy will still be preserved on video for all to see. Meanwhile, it will be shown to a jury when they haul your sorry self into court. 

• Do the math.

I realize this contradicts the first point -- you're dumber than a box of rocks -- so take my word for it if you can't do simple math. Let's suppose you get away with $2,000. For that you spend 20 years in prison. That's 175,200 hours; a little more than 1 cent per hour. Now, if you would get a job at Duncan Donuts and work for $7.25 per hour, you will earn $2,000 in 276 hours. That leaves 174,924 hours to do other stuff. Besides, if  you earn the money you actually get to use it.

• Don't stand close to patrons

Even old guys in Bermudas may try to get you in a headlock. Then again, he may just shoot you.

• Avoid ditches.

After speeding away from the scene of the crime, advise the getaway driver to avoid ditches. Statistics reveal that armed robbers who drive their vehicles in ditches shortly after hold-ups are more likely to be surrounded by cops. Driving fast and reckless also draws undue attention. Even if the police don't know you're the idiots who robbed the Duncan Donuts, they'll chase you down for driving like Rodney King. 

• Wear a disguise.

Orange jump suits make excellent disguises. 

• Wear bullet-proof vests.

Contrary to deeply held opinions by black teens with IQs under 80, business owners are not fond of being robbed at gun point. Their losses are not income-tax deductible and their insurance underwriters frown upon repeatedly chucking over cash. Your risk of taking a bullet in your behind increase exponentially when robbing stores as compared to, say, playing basketball in the park. 


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