"The evidence is overwhelming," he scoffs.
John points to a blue highway sign as we drive along the Interstate. Blue signs, he says, are for United Nations troops when they invade us. They are coded with terms only the invading troops can decipher.
The grated sewer covers are designed to prohibit people from hiding in the drainage system, he claims. I look out the corner of my eye as to capture the sincere expression on his face. He is looking skyward and takes note that chem trails are being spewed by the government. They contain mind-bending toxins designed to blind the minds people like me.
"Just put two and two together," he concludes.
Justin is just as convinced as John, I discover, when we meet for coke and cheeseburger. Justin, however, has a different outlook as he describes the turmoil in the Middle East, the advent of earthquakes, and the "love of many growing cold."
He nods out the window at passing traffic and observes that men are running to and fro.
"Just put two and two together," he concludes. At any moment -- in the twinkling of an eye -- the trump of God shall sound and who are alive and remain will be caught up together in the sky leaving the masses to contend with the anti-Christ.
"As it was in the days of Noah," he nods again with assurance.
Jeremy recites the names of prominent Americans in powerful places who have dual citizenship in Israel and America. He mentions archo-capitalism, the world banking system, and those who have been fooled by the holohoax. Surely I can put two-and-two together and see that Zionism is the blight that is destroying the white race.
I listen intently, thankful that Justin is not in the room. He is an avid supporter of Israel. Surely Jeremy and Justin would come to blows.
I have other friends whose names begin with J.
Jack is well versed in the Bilderbergers and their relation with the Illuminati, both controlled by the Council on Foreign Relations. He wants to know if I'm familiar with Alex Jones' web site, another guy with a J in his name.
Jacob is a John Bircher and, don't you know, communism is alive and well in Russia. We've been duped. Just put two-and-two together, he says.
Jason busies himself hand wringing over the perils being wrought forth by the sheeple who fail to see that the 9-11 attack was an inside job, as was the Oklahoma City bombing. I ask him if he thinks the moon landing was a hoax. What kind of fool do I think he is? he responds. I don't answer.
My friends have several things in common, besides their mutual loathing for Michael Shermer: They all put two-and-two together and they have an obsessive-compulsive mission to awaken the sleeping masses but, until they do, are content to practice on me.
And so I put two-and-two together and come up with about forty. I also come up with the conclusion that a true friend is one who remains by your side even when you don't believe his pet conspiracy theory.
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